THE REAL REASON YOU CAN'T STAY MOTIVATED

A few short weeks ago, the little Kindy children headed into the wide and unknown world of Big School. New shoes. Uniforms five days a week. Early, routine mornings and TIRED afternoons! Talk to any parent of these children and they’re astounded at how quickly the children have adapted to these new expectations. For heavens sake, some are even catching buses on their own!

The growth doesn’t stop there. When you think of a kindergarten child compared to a year six student, the difference in them is astounding. And a 12 year old compared to an 20 year old is noticeably different again.

Once in adulthood however, our growth is much less observable by others than it is in our child and adolescent years. When ‘adulting’ we’re often measured by successes or achievements such as holidays, houses, careers, children’s achievements and other external “box-fillers”, rather than how we present physically like a child or teen would.

One box-filler not getting enough attention however is that of feelings and emotional intelligence: of satisfaction, contentedness, pride, passion, alignment, certainty of self or ease to name a few. Seriously, aren’t these the successes we’re striving for?

If money was no object and you could buy any feeling you wanted, how much would you be willing to pay? Exorbitant amounts most likely. And on those extra hard days, twice as much!

Unfortunately, we don’t have the means to ‘buy’ long term and consistent emotions, so let’s take a few seconds to make it more likely we WILL feel these desired emotions.

Firstly, list ways you are longing to feel.

Secondly, get compassionately curious

• why aren’t you feeling the way you want to? For example, is it because of distractions, events, your thinking, or is it ‘just who you are’?
• if you're not feeling the way you want to, what are the emotions you're experiencing instead?

My conversations with mums indicate these replacement feelings are along the lines of anxiety, worry, fear, busy-ness, overwhelm, fatigue and even resentment.

Becoming aware of feelings (really becoming aware of your feelings my friend, not surface skimming, buffering or ignoring) is your first step to making this year better than the last. Because that’s growth, isn’t it? Getting stronger, more knowledge, calmer, basically improving regardless of how slow the progression. Development is moving you toward a goal, not away from it. Toward the feelings you want to feel, rather than away from them.

*Sidenote: coming off-track by snapping at the children, eating that bowl of ice-cream, having a passive-aggressive energy with your other half (insert your guilty behaviour here) isn’t going backwards. It’s being human. As you continue to grow, these old behaviours become less frequent and catching yourself becomes quicker and easier. Phew!

So you’ve got an idea of the emotions you want to feel more of, write them again so they remain front of mind.

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2.

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5.

Leaving your feelings to chance means the world has the power to knock you off your path – to derail you. This is what happens with most of the population. But not you. Nope, you know your thoughts create your feelings, your feelings create your actions and your consistent actions create your reality, your life. You’re committed to leaning into your growth no matter how challenging it appears.

But, News Flash – life’s always going to happen to you. Tantrums, job losses, natural disasters, relationship breakdowns, illness, even basic emotions can be super-hard. You’re human and we’ve all signed up to play this game, right now, today. No more waiting around for this to happen, for that to happen, to meet someone new, get a new job, leave a job, for children to get out of this ‘stage’, to lose the weight, when you’re older, if you were younger. Nope. Life is now. Today, while you and I are here together and the rest of the world is turning outside our windows. People are falling in love, fighting, crying, laughing, sleeping, eating, feeling sad, happy, angry, scared. It’s all happening NOW.

You know the way you want to feel, how can you make it a reality?

There’s one integral step you and I must embrace if we’re to keep growing in 2022.

It's needed to create lasting change.

It’s needed to achieve new goals.

It’s needed for you to feel your version of happy, successful and content.

Think back to starting your job or becoming a mother. You didn’t know what you were doing, but consciously or unconsciously, you began thinking, ‘what should I be doing and how can I learn it?’

When you became a mum, you likely read books, followed people online or asked your parents, grandparents or friends for advice. Maybe you joined a mother’s group. You’d sought information about what was needed to be a mum. What resources would you need, where would you need to go and when, who did you need to know? You would have met new people, such as midwives, or other women in a similar situation.

What you were doing was stepping into a new role.

You were now a mum.

Here’s where a problem often arises.

People think this ‘role’ is their identity.

But it’s not their identity. It’s a role. It’s one part of their responsibility, rather than who they are.

Much too often people are feeling frustrated, angry, bored, apathetic, depressed, anxious, overwhelmed and dissatisfied. They think it’s because of a circumstance such as a partner, being a mum, their job, the pandemic, a school bully etc etc.

It’s not.

It’s because they don’t have clarity and a strong enough desire for the person they currently are. The person they are. Not the ‘role they have’.

“Stop spending 100% of your time on 10% of who you are”

Sheri Riley

There’s a difference between role and identity, but these two areas are being merged into one, leading focus down the wrong path. People are blaming things or others for their feelings, but because that isn’t the real issue, it’s a quick fix (if any) and then the same unresourceful feelings arise again.

Why then can some people have so little, yet be so happy? It’s an inside job. They know who they are and what matters to them and most importantly, they believe they control that. Their focus is on qualities and behaviours as opposed to ‘roles’.

“Unless we base our identity on the truth of who we are,

it is impossible to obtain true happiness”

Brenda Shoshanna

If you are to make 2022 one of your most proud, aligned, inspired years EVER, you must create, embrace and live an identity you are proud of. An identity that feels true to you. An identity that lives your values each day and LIGHTS YOU UP. This identity becomes the far off light that pulls you through tunnels of darkness and reminds you of your why. It becomes who you truly are.

Not having a strong or aligned identity is why people feel despondent. They’ve forgotten how to be them, what matters, what lights them up and what speaks to their soul.

And yes, you can still feel lit up while temporarily in jobs you don’t like or failing relationships. Because you’re receiving the life downloads, the lessons of what works for you and what doesn’t in real time, while remaining focussed on staying YOU.

So now what?

You get curious about your identity.

Who am I?

What do I stand for?

What makes me unique?

What are all the parts of me?

What lights me up?

What won’t I tolerate anymore?

Who and how do I want to be in this world, regardless of external circumstances?

Think of yourself sitting at a large round table, complete with empty chairs. Each chair is a place for a part of you. Not the 10% you spend 100% of your time on. ALL OF YOU. The parts you love. The parts you’re embarrassed of. The parts you hate. The parts you’re working on. All of them. Your beliefs about you as a person. Your qualities, characteristics and personality.

To highlight the difference between role and identity in your life, now draw a second table and label it Roles. What are the roles you play that would be seated at the table? These are different to your identity. Your roles may come and go, but your identity is reliant on your beliefs about yourself. These might include mother, daughter, teacher etc.

Anthony Robbins explains it best, highlighting the importance of identity conviction, (that is, what labelling you use after the words ‘I am …’) in his book, Awaken The Giant Within, he explains a drug addict who refers to himself as ‘having an addiction to drugs’ has more likelihood of quitting than the person who labels themselves as a ‘drug addict’. This is because the second person has ‘identified’ themselves as an addict and this self-identification will significantly influence all else in their life such as decision-making, language use, behaviours and more. The first person makes the addiction separate to themselves, therefore is not linking this to their identity. This distinction more easily removes themself from this characteristic or behaviour, therefore supporting future shifts in identity.

In terms of personal atributes - not roles - what identities do you give yourself after the statement, ‘I am …’?

Think of a divorcee or widower. Being a divorcee or widower is not their identity, however many women live thinking it is. ‘I’m a widower’. Being widowed is an event that happened in her life. It is not her identity. What examples can you apply this thinking to in your life? Now's the time to open the door to removing old and unresourceful ‘stories’ that have kept you feeling stuck, hurt or hopeless. And the world needs you to feel more than those emotions, that’s for sure!

As I say farewell for today, here’s 5 journal prompts to help you begin your discovery of what matters in exploring the identity of you.

• State 5 feelings you want to feel more of this year
• List 15 things you love
• Clarify 3-5 values (things that matter to you)
• List 5 things that might derail you (or stop you connecting with your identity)
• Write why 2022 will be the year you uplevel AND why you won’t settle for less that the best version of you

In summary, if you want to stay motivated, make who you are the driving force behind your decisions.

Sincerely

Catherine