THE GO-TO RESPONSE OF MUMS ... THAT'S NOT ALWAYS BEST

You need a licence to drive a vehicle.

You need a qualification for most positions.

But parenting? Nope. Apparently any Joe-Blogg can raise children. It's no wonder a parents' first call to action is seeking the trusted advice of outside people when something's 'wrong' with their child, or when their child is showing behaviours that, let's face it, are less than desirable 😩

I use quotations because there's nothing wrong with any child.

Yes, there's illness, sadness, big emotions, tantrums, eye-rolling, messy rooms, not following directions, screaming, answering back, undeveloped skills and lots more. That doesn't equal something being wrong, it equals being human and being an individual. Children are here to feel, experiment and learn. That's basically their only job!

If that's the job of the child, what's our responsibility as the adult? Besides meeting the basic needs of your children (think health, safety & connection) an adults role is to guide a child's learning by using boundaries and being an example. Oh crikeys - if you're similar to the thousands of mums I've worked with, boundaries and modelling emotional maturity can be a tad tricky. Especially when our own resilience is low, or if we were never taught this, which chances are, you weren't! 

As an early childhood teacher and owner of two preschools, I'm a massive advocate for early intervention and the support of trained professionals. And these are often the go-to response of mums when they're challenged or worried about their child's behaviour. I'm not insinuating these resources should not be used, however I do have a caveat that goes with accessing outside help.

Seek external support, but do your inner work first.

Reaching out to  professionals or seeking the advice of well-meaning family and friends can be helpful, and it's often a mother's first action step when faced with challenges like a child that has meltdowns everyday, sibling rivalry or friendship issues to name a few.

With the deepest self-compassion, think about the aspect of parenting your child that's causing you the most angst right now.

Is it:

- whining?

- tantrums?

- their dependency on you?

- that they won't express their feelings?

- or something completely different?

Grab a pen and write what this issue is. Make sure your hat of compassion is firmly in place, and consider why this behaviour pushes your buttons. This is referred to as being 'triggered'. 

I'll explain further.

Some mums become VERY frustrated the minute their child talks in a baby voice, whinges or whines. Others might not notice. Some couldn't care less.

Some mums become DISTRAUGHT when they're child cries - as an infant, a child or a teen. Others take it in their stride. Some don't bat an eyelid.

Some mums are DESPERATE to know what's going on in their child's life and feel worried or rejected if their child doesn't confide in them. Others are curious, but content to wait it out. Some haven't even noticed their child's going through something.

View these parenting perspectives as a sliding scale, like a 1-10 spectrum, where 10 is an overly affected and worried parent and 1 is the parent who's unperturbed. Go back to the parenting issue you stated and with honesty, decide where you sit on the scale of 1-10 related to that issue.

You might be wondering why I'm having you do this exercise? I want to bring you up and out of your parenting situation, out of your current state of mind, and show you there are other ways of thinking, being, feeling and responding. When we're in our day-to-day lives, with our day-to-day routines and our day-to-day habits, it's REALLY easy to think this is truth. But your feelings aren't truth, they're an automatic response to your thinking 🤯

Your childhood, personality and life influences have uniquely produced YOU. And that means you have unique responses to different situations, like children pushing your buttons! Imagine if that thing your child does that irritates or upsets you, didn't have as much charge anymore? Imagine if their whining or crying or tantrums didn't make your whole body respond? How amazing would that feel for you and how much better could you hold a safe space for your child to move through their emotions, instead of you being calm, calm, calm, then S.N.A.P. Yep, we've all been there.

So, yes, seek professional opinion as needed, however, DO NOT overlook the opportunity to turn inward first. If you don't take these button-pushing moments as chances to improve your own emotional regulation, you'll keep reacting to your child's behaviour. And while the 2 year old behaviour might cease, if you haven't worked through why this was an issue for you in the beginning, it will re-appear in other ways as your child grows, or even in colleagues or friends. Our stuff follows us - trust me, emotional development is a daily practice for all of us.

Not every parent has their buttons pushed like you do. What bothers you, might not bother someone else. And what annoys another parent, mightn't phase you at all. Get compassionately curious and explore what's behind your thinking. You'll never regret the personal growth your children inspire in you 🙌

Sincerely

Catherine

PS for more conversations like this, come join us in our online coaching community for mums, EMPOWERED the membership to empower you and your child