GUIDE ME TO THE PLACE WHERE GUILT FALLS AWAY

I sat in the carpark waiting for the doors of the supermarket to open. After perusing the isles for fresh fruit and breakfast delights, I continued on my way to an early morning meeting. One by one the guests arrived. We made our beverages of choice and gathered in our allocated room. I was joined by professionals ranging in roles and qualifications, but all with the commonality of caring for children aged between 2 and 12 years. Kindergarten teachers, counsellors, preschool owners and directors. We set about our introductions and our desire to create deeper connections within our community. As the conversation progressed, our collective yearning soon became evident: how do we best support mothers as they navigate this often challenging, yet vital role of raising young children? What do they most need to feel success, purpose, inspiration and happiness?

Each of us were mums, so we get it. We know the ups and downs. The challenges. The expectations. The social comparisons. The loneliness. The fear. The exhaustion.

As we engaged, recounts of our personal and professional stories were shared. As professional educators, our roles require us to regularly and consistently reflect on our practices and processes therefore we appreciate first-hand, the valuable role this skill has on our development and growth and of future successes. When the suggestion of personal reflection was tabled in the context of mothers, we realised we believe mothers are also experienced as reflective beings. Each day mothers are questioning themselves. They judge the dinner they made, or that they didn’t, the clothes their children wear, whether they’re spending enough time with their children, if they’re treating them equally, are they getting enough sleep, and so on and so forth. In fact, we believe mothers not only reflect on their parenting role, they quite potentially pass judgment on their abilities or lack there-of CONSTANTLY.

After agreeing on a mother’s ability to reflect, the idea I extended from the conversation bought me to the topic of guilt. Mothers most definitely reflect on their behaviours and that of their child’s. What I propose from the many engagements and conversations I’ve explored with mothers is this: as the reflective thought process of mothers passes through the mind (picture a car driving on a road), the thought of a mother often becomes parked in a bay signed ‘Mother Guilt’. When this happens, the car stops. The journey ends, preventing the discovery of beneficial strategies and growth which comes in the form of analysis, curiosity, encouragement, compassion for self and support of self. The mother begins the journey of personal reflection however this ceases quickly and repeatedly at the same destination. Guilt. Do you relate?

Reasons for this are many and varied, and unique to individual circumstances, however for the sake of potential self-discovery for the reader, I’m going to generalise. A mother’s love for her chid and pride in her role unconsciously set expectations of a high standard. In the mother’s bid to achieve these standards, she often views herself as falling short. The rich internal emotion felt by a mother pulls at her heartstrings as she yearns to provide the best. To be the best. To do her best. Not for the world to acknowledge or to champion, but to meet her own expectations.

If the idea that a mother’s self-reflection unconsciously leans toward stopping at the parking bay signed Mother Guilt, several flow-on effects occur.

• The ability to learn from this moment is lost. The mother feels worse.
• The mother’s physical, mental and emotional wellbeing is jeopardised. The mother feels worse.
• The behaviour which caused the guilt is likely to return. The mother feels worse.
• The cycle repeats and the child unconsciously observes. The mother feels worse.

The next time your reflective thoughts flick the indicator in preparation of stopping at the Mother Guilt parking bay, try these 3 Tips To Keep You On Your Journey To Where The Guilt Falls Away:

1. Remember the mother you want to be. This should be your intention and your why. I’m confident the feelings, language and behaviours you demonstrate when feeling guilty are not aligned with the higher version of you. Control your focus.
2. Play the reframe game. Take the meaning you’re giving this event (‘I’m a bad mum’ or something along these lines, ie guilt) and change it to one which is supportive, beneficial and empowering (‘I did my best’, ‘I’ve learning new ways’). You’re the only person who can do this, yet there are many who will benefit by you mastering this new skill.
3. Get excited. Feeling guilty is like a little present from your awareness. It’s saying, ‘Hi, Guilt here. I thought I’d pop up to let you know you’re straying from what’s important to you. Have a check in with yourself and your values and you’ll be right back on track. See you next time, Guilt.’

As you continue down the road of mothering I urge you to be gentle with yourself. Roll down the metaphoric window, tune the radio to your favourite station and breathe deeply as you notice the surrounding views along your journey.

Stay wonderful and enjoy,

Catherine

We'd love to hear your comments below. And remember to join the Community Of Dreams where you'll get regular doses of support and motivation reminding you to live the life of your dreams.