FEELINGS VS EMOTIONS - CREATING THE FEELINGS YOU WANT TO FEEL

What are your favourite FEELS? Loved up, energised, calm, successful? There’s so many to choose from, isn’t there? But guess, what - most of us feel the same old feelings day in and day out. Anthony Robbins refers to this as our Emotional Home. Think about people you know, a colleague, family member, neighbour or friend. What emotion do you associate with them, that is, what do you think they feel most often? Anger? Optimism? Fatigue?

Let’s extend this curiosity to children. Does a child come to mind who’s often shy or one who’s full of energy? These lovely little beings are influenced by both nature and nurture (their environment) however we’ll leave that conversation for another day. Let’s come back to you. Just like those children you thought about, when you were young your feelings were influenced by nature and nurture. You are predisposed to your temperament and personality, but between the ages of 0-7 you were also a sponge, taking in all the cues you learned from the adults and events around you. As you grew, you took these feelings with you and likely found more ‘evidence’ to support the beliefs that led to your feelings.

If you’re super happy with the way you feel today, rock on my good friend. If however, in those times of brutal self-honesty you find yourself feeling emotions you don’t like too much of the time, I’ve got good news for you.

• Firstly, you’re human, so go easy on yourself. Compassion will be your greatest asset here.
• Secondly, you’re an adult. That means you have the ability to intentionally choose your feelings. Whaaat?!? Yep – it’s true.

Let me explain. Google emotions and you’ll find various information about the amount of Core Emotions people experience. For the sake of this conversation, I’m referring to psychologists Elkman and Friesen’s argument that humans experience a range of six core emotions:

• Happiness
• Sadness
• Fear
• Disgust
• Anger
• Surprise

Sidenote: if you haven’t watched the animated movie Inside Out, add it to your To-Do list – it shows how these emotions play out in real life … an animated life I should say 😉

Let’s continue. These core emotions begin in the amygdala. Their occurrence causes a physical reaction in the body, which is unconscious and unintentional. Consider when you’ve felt a strong emotion and what happened in your body. Here are examples to get started:

• Your baby’s first smile
• Unexpectedly hearing a funeral song of a loved one
• Narrowly missing a car accident
• Seeing someone who’s previously hurt you
• Smelling a lovely scent from your childhood such as your grandmother’s favourite pasta sauce

What physical reactions appeared for you during moments of intense emotion? Feelings in your chest, goose-bumps, clenched teeth, flushed cheeks, increased heartrate? There’s great benefit to you being the detective of your own life because this provides you information. And this information provides clues to what works for you and what doesn’t, what supports you and what brings you down, what inspires you, what scares you and more.

That’s emotions in a nutshell: they’re unconscious and cause a physical response.

Now back to Feelings. Feelings are the meanings your brain gives to the experience you’ve had. Feelings are conscious. This could be a text message, something you see, a conversation, winning the lottery, a break-up, your child winning an award, your child being picked on or a zillion other circumstances.

An emotion will occur, then your brain will give it a meaning. It’s during the moment in between that you move yourself toward or away from your dream life.

As Viktor Frankl states,

‘between stimulus and response there is a space.

In that space is our power to choose our response.

In our response lies our growth and our freedom.’

Don’t get me wrong, this is not an easy ask, especially when the emotion attached to a circumstance is heartbreaking or strongly associated. But the effort required to choose intentional feelings in the face of challenge is worth every moment of thought-work. Imagine not being at the mercy of life’s circumstances anymore! Not worrying about that person messaging you, knowing you can remain your child’s safe person in the face of sadness or the calm in their chaos. How would your life and interactions change if you were able to act instead of reacting to life? Your children would see the real you, the nurturing, controlled (but not controlling) you, the wise, curious and compassionate you. Now that’s worth working toward I’m sure you agree.

Here’s 5 questions to stop you living at the mercy of your emotions and reclaim control of your feelings:

1. What are 3-5 feelings I would like to experience more in 2022?
2. What am I making this situation/event/circumstance mean?
3. What do I need to believe about this circumstance to feel a feeling listed in question one?
4. Where else can I focus my attention?
5. Who will benefit from my ability to reframe the meaning of this situation?

As I pause this conversation until we next meet again, I encourage your attention to shifting your feelings but ONLY if you’ve acknowledged and worked through the relevant emotion first. Pretending emotions don’t exist or aren’t important does not mean they disappear. In contrast, they will re-surface at a later date or cause pain and illness as they stagnate in your body. The strategy for reframing your feelings is of greatest use when you know your feelings aren’t serving you, aren’t aligning you to your higher self or are preventing you being the woman and mother you’re working so hard to be. Please ensure you’ve acknowledged the deeper level of your emotions first.

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See you there,

Catherine